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Harsh Words, Deep Scars

We should try to avoid saying harsh words to loved ones and colleagues as they can leave scars on the mind. If necessary, be firm but polite. When seniors in office or elders speak rudely, we should try to stay silent or politely express our point of view. Ahimsa or non-violence means not injuring others in thought, word or deed.” – Pankaj Kumar

How many times have we heard, “Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me”. Humbug! In truth, hurtful words can cause profound emotional harm. Recent research shows that people who were verbally abused as children grow up to be self-critical adults prone to depression and anxiety. Other people’s words have an incredible power to affect how we see and feel about ourselves. While positive words of encouragement can uplift and inspire us, negative words cut to the core and resonate over and over again.

To help people become happy, treat them the way you’d like to be treated yourself. Talk nicely. Don’t be mean. Sounds simple, but those are some of the most important things you can do.

Verbal abuse includes insults, swearing, threats of physical abuse and spiteful comments or behaviour. People may have learned this from their own parents or peers. But it is more likely they are simply not aware of positive ways to motivate. Verbal abuse is often overlooked and difficult to identify. Culturally, we don’t take the consequences seriously because the scars are not immediately visible and the victims are often so used to being treated in a certain manner that they do not seek help.

Over time, people begin to believe the negative things they hear about themselves and start to use those negative statements as explanations for everything that goes wrong. A pattern of self-criticism and negative thinking follows. In many cases, verbal aggression by people leads to physical aggression by the victims. The consequences of verbal abuse should not be underestimated. Physical abuse may leave actual scars but verbal abuse leaves invisible scars. The impact of verbal abuse on vulnerable, developing regions of the brain can have damaging effects that last a lifetime.

So why do people choose to abuse others? It’s all about power and control. In every healthy relationship, partners will try to build each other’s confidence. But emotionally controlling behaviour undermines their partner’s sense of self. The victims start to believe that they cannot cope, leading to become more dependent on the abuser.

A quick checklist can determine if you have someone who might be an abuser. More importantly, it can point to changes which you can make to avoid becoming one.

  1. Use words and attitudes to disrespect others?
  2. Persistently demand and retain control?
  3. Humiliate, criticize or shout?
  4. Treat others so badly that they are embarrassed amongst their peers?
  5. Ignore or put down others’ opinions or accomplishments?
  6. Blame others for their own abusive behaviour?
  7. See others as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
  8. Treat others as though they are inferior?
  9. Manipulate?

Harsh Words Deep Scars

People should avoid yelling, demeaning, or otherwise acting in ways that erode confidence in their children, family, friends, colleagues. “Being a good parent is probably one of the most difficult jobs in the world, and one of the most important,” Dr. Sachs-Ericsson says. “A good childhood can last a lifetime.” Dealing with verbal abuse is simple. But it needs loads of patience and self-esteem.

  • Focus on positive attributes and actions. Convey your support and approval for them.
  • Smile and compliment them. Kill them with kindness! Keep your cool, then smile, and say something very nice in return to their comments.
  • In case of misdemeanours or mistakes, make it clear the behaviour is bad, but don’t deride or put down.
  • Whatever you do, don’t lose your temper! As feelings escalate, things might just spiral out of control before you even realize it. Keep your cool, and remember you can always let off steam at a convenient time later.
  • Be firm, yet polite. Be very clear about your requests and statements. Smile, and be polite, but stand firm. Then, follow through with your actions.
  • Read books and talk to other people to learn more effective man management skills.
  • Find support for yourself so you can better deal with the stress.

“Kindness and politeness are not overrated at all. They’re underused.” ~ Tommy Lee Jones

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Clear Your Negative Energy

We know that like attracts like. Ergo: Positive people are drawn to positive energy; negative people will be drawn to negative energy.

We tend to perceive negative energy as something other people have. Sure, sometimes we feel negative – as in, “go away and leave me alone!” but did you know that negativity can be so ingrained in you that it goes unnoticed? That’s because negativity sometimes wears a disguise called ‘reality’. It’s easy to rationalize that you’re ‘just being realistic’ in not daring to act on a dream – and believe it! You may assume that positive people are not being realistic – that they’re being naive, that they are in denial with their heads stuck in the sand, that they put on fake smiles in the face of difficulty and so forth.  But are they really happy idiots or is there something to their positivity?

Consider this: since when does ‘being realistic’ necessarily mean that things will go wrong and that you have to accept that as the truth?

That doesn’t mean that being realistic is automatically negative. When you view the world from a ‘realistic’ standpoint, you can’t help but be negative IF your version of reality is negative.

If your version of reality is negative, you are conditioned to believe that whatever can go wrong, will go wrong and whatever can go right, will probably go wrong too. Your unconsciously held beliefs make you into a negative person without your being aware of it! So – if this negativity is so ingrained in you that you don’t notice it, how do you determine whether you’re stuck in a cloud of negative energy that is attracting the wrong people, wrong situations and wrong feelings? And how can you be sure you’re not perpetuating that negativity?

Here’s a quick quiz to gauge the level of negative energy within you:

  • Do you complain? All the time or just sometimes?
  • Do you often discuss what’s wrong in the world more than what’s right? This includes the ‘terrible’ weather, ‘horrible’ traffic, ‘idiotic’ government, ‘lousy’ economy, ‘stupid’ in-laws, etc.
  • Do you criticize? All the time or just certain people?
  • Are you attracted to drama and disaster (can you unglue yourself from the TV when there’s a news story of a disaster and can you avoid getting involved in the lives of dysfunctional celebrities?)
  • Do you blame? All the time or just certain situations?
  • Do you believe that you have no control over most of your results?
  • Do you feel like a victim? Do you talk about people doing things to you?
  • Are you grateful for what is or will you be grateful when things finally start going right for you?
  • Do you feel like things are happening to you? Or do you feel that they are happening through you?

This last two points are important:

If you’re not grateful except when things go right, you are negative. Gratitude is positive. If you are grateful for what is (including the unpleasant school of life lessons, then you can invite more and more positive energy into your life.

Believing that things happen to you puts you in the role of victim; then it’s easy to be negative because it’s convenient to give up that power. So consider this alternative: who or what is to blame when GOOD things happen to you? Do you acknowledge that you are responsible for the good things – as in, you worked hard, you earned it, etc… but blame external events or other people for your failures? So how come, when good things happen, they are a result of what you do, but when bad things happen, they are not your fault?

Nobody likes to hear that. It takes courage to accept that you create your life experience!

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you are holding on to negative energy to some degree! To clear your negative energy and raise your vibration, you will need to retrain yourself to choose a positive attitude.

Here’s another interesting idea to consider: have you noticed that positive people seem to get what they want out of life, and even if things don’t go their way, they still enjoy their lives… while negative people whine and moan about their misfortunes and even the good things in their lives?
negativity ellen degeneres

To clear negative energy, try this 3 -step process:

1. Take ownership.

When you think everything is someone else’s fault, you will suffer a lot. When you realize that everything springs only from yourself, you will learn both peace and joy.” – the Dalai Lama
Your success will depend on your ability to take ownership of your actions. So, don’t just ‘make actions’, but own them and really do the that can be done.

2. Cancel negative thoughts and replace them with positive thoughts.

Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you’ll start having positive results.” – Willie Nelson
This takes practice, dedication and making a decision to see the world through the eyes of “what can go right” instead of “what can go wrong.” You’ll have to catch yourself anytime you are acting out or speaking out your negativity, and immediately change your tune.

3. Bring more light and love into your life.

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.

Visualize the positive instead of getting sucked into negativity; overcome past conditioning; think intuitively from the soul instead from ‘reality’; create a new, desired reality in your imagination and manifest it in the outer world. Nobody wants negative energy to permeate their lives, yet many of us allow it. But we allow it unconsciously, based on past conditioning that suggests an inevitable outcome to certain situations. When you overcome that conditioning and realize that the future is NOT cast in stone but that you have more control over your circumstances than you believe – then you can begin to consciously design your life.
What’s going to happen then? Your positive energy will magnetically attract what you consider to be good and right for you: people, situations, things… and you’ll notice a huge, huge increase in your happiness and inner peace. Why not choose positive energy? Make some changes within, and you’ll quickly see positive changes in your life. Enjoy the good feelings and abundance!
The world is full of a lot of fear and a lot of negativity, and a lot of judgment. I just think people need to start shifting into joy and happiness. As corny as it sounds, we need to make a shift.” – Ellen DeGeneres
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Quality Of Relationships

Quality Of Relationships
Most of the times the quality of our relationships depend on our character, qualities and prevailing mood. So, to really create good relationships we need first to look to ourselves and our own qualities and attitudes. We forget that relationships are “two-way” while we approach them as we would approach a task. We each come with our own agenda or idea and either ‘you go along with me’ or ‘you are out is the result’. We forget about relating to each other with dignity, respect and humanity.When we listen to others, others are much more likely to listen to us.
“Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something: they’re trying to find someone who’s going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take.” ~ Anthony Robbins

5 Ways to Improve the Quality of your Relationships

1.   Be a great listener.
If you have a friend, family member, or business associate who knows without a doubt that you are listening clearly, you are building trust with that person. Trust is the foundation of any solid, lasting relationship, and showing interest, concern, and care are vital to building this bond.

2.   Exercise compassion.
It can be very easy, particularly when you know who seems to be crisis oriented or has an array of problems. Put yourself in their shoes;  think of a similar experience you had, or better still, imagine yourself in that situation. How do you feel ? The point is to demonstrate your willingness to be objective and understanding without coming across as judgemental.

3.   Speak kindly and smile often.
Be in control of your tone of voice, your body language, and your facial expressions at all times. You may be able to make your words sound nice and sweet, but if you are not smiling or your body language is aggressive you cannot connect with the other person. Do not put the burden of worrying about what you think of the other person on their shoulders.

4.   Forget about damaging your own ego.
Every solid relationship, whether personal or work-oriented, can only be built by some amount of give and take. Realize the fact that the relationship in question is not all about you. There are many other facets to the individual’s life you are in relationship with – which you know nothing about. Keep things in perspective and be responsible for showing concern for the other person and yourself equally.

5.   Forgive for the sake of the relationship itself.
Forgiveness is essential to a healthy self-esteem and a life of freedom from burdens. When you hold grudges against another, you are hurting yourself more than anyone else. You are damaging your own ability to trust and form strong relationships with others. To forgive does not mean you are giving the other person a lifetime pass to trample on or hurt you. It simply means you care enough about yourself, the other person, and the relationship to move past any issues. Whether the other individual is willing to do the same is not so important; if you want strong relationships in your life you must learn to forgive; it is as simple as a choice.

Our day to day interactions and relationships with others are what make being a human being such a wonderful gift. Allowing others into our lives and worlds is equal to giving a part of ourselves away, and this involves risking pain and disappointment. If you practice the above behaviors regularly and make them a part of who you are in any life relationship you will find you have far more fulfilling relationships than disappointing ones.

Begin to strengthen the bonds you have with others and experience success, fulfillment and happiness today.
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Am I Good Enough ?

The first thing that stops us from loving ourselves is self-rejection. The questions we ask ourselves – ‘Am I good enough?’, ‘Do I deserve this?’ and so on.

Every time we reject ‘ourself’, we prevent any positive action or growth, We need to acknowledge and accept our self first. Self love is based on two things – Acknowledgment of the self and Approval of the self. We can start loving our self  by being grounded in knowing: ‘Who we are?’ and  ‘What we are living for?’.

As individuals, we have the incredible power to decide that we are, in fact, good enough. You are the person who owns the sole key to your self-worth, which governs what you do. In order to achieve the feeling of being good enough, you must first believe it. If you choose not to do so, then no one else can do it for you. Write it down and say it to yourself. When you make the choice, you become the decision maker and you are back in power. You hold that key, yet often forget that you do. So remind yourself that when you feel imperfect, you’ve chosen to be imperfect. Of course, perfection is merely a facade that holds us back from moving forward.

You must believe — truly believe — that you are good enough, which will allow you to let go of your quest for perfection.

How often do you quickly dismiss something you did well? Do you allow yourself to recognize and accept praise from others and feel that you deserve it? The frequency of this is likely much less than the amount of time you spend dwelling on something you did wrong or even sub-par. Do you recognize criticism and feel that you deserve it much more than praise?
Always remember that you’re on your side, always.
 
Am-I-good-enough
Practice this equation for self-love in your life: “Value your dignity. Love your body, mind, feelings and emotions. Respond with respect.”
When you do these 3 steps you will find that you are able to respond to situations rather than react. There won’t be space or place for regrets and excuses. You will be receptive to new ideas and suggestions. You will begin to enjoy life. And you will find solutions for everything.

By utilizing these strategies, you too can work to overcome the feeling that you are not good enough. The little voice that pops up at the worst of times and screams, “I am not good enough!” is awful. But while you may feel sometimes that it is easier to silence the voice deep within by hitting your snooze button, you must also realize the importance of the struggle to empower yourself and to value your self-worth at the cost of perfection.

You are good enough.
Do we not realize that self-respect comes with self-reliance?” ~ A. P. J. Abdul Kalam
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A Father’s Fears

Today, albeit secretly, I am also hopeful. Tomorrow should be better than today. That all the children of this world should have dreams which they can fulfill. Into that freedom …

random rants ruminations ramblings

Today I am afraid of sending my child to school
Not knowing what she will learn
From books that oft teach false gospels
From teachers who know no better

Today I am afraid of taking her to a place of worship
Not knowing whom she will bow to
The all-conquering god of rampant consumerism
Or the insecure, intolerant one who rejects all others

Today I am afraid of sending her down to play
Not sure of who lurks, hidden in the shadows
Waiting to end her innocence
And make her age faster than nature ever intended

Today I am afraid of the boy whom she will marry
Not because of the family he comes from
But whether beneath his cloak of sensitivity
Is hidden violence, bigotry or misogyny

Today I am afraid of waking my child each morning
Lest her dreams get interrupted
And she rises not to the glorious, benevolent…

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